New Laws of Casual Style

Animals make the best logos. Match the logo with the brand. A. Polo; B. Penguin; C. Lacoste; D. Brooks Brothers; E. American Eagle; F. Vineyard Vines

ANSWERS: 1-C, 2-E, 3-D, 4-F, 5-A, 6-B

This is an article that was published in Esquire Magazine Feb. 2008 and I pulled a few highlights out (renumbered). It was written for men but many of the concepts apply to women too.

The (New) Laws of Casual Style

Put down the blue button-down, step away from the Crocs, and open your closet. We need to talk.

1. When in doubt: a white oxford shirt.

2. There is a name for men who can pull off wearing sports jerseys. They’re called professional athletes.

3. A rugby shirt is the most masculine thing a man can wear.

4. The 1950s and 60s were the high points of casual. Everything before and after was hit-or-miss.

5. Fitted is good. Snug is dicey. Tight is just wrong.

6. Hemp clothes are great. If you want to smoke them.

7. Khaki pants will look and feel their best approximately two weeks before disintegrating.

8. The man who imparts opinions via T-shirt has neither the intelligence to form a cogent opinion nor the good sense to keep it to himself.

9. Everything looks better with age. Except for white T-shirts. Those look best new.

10. The Professor was the best-dressed man on Gilligan’s Island, followed by Gilligan, Thurston Howell III, and the Skipper. Oh, and for what it’s worth, Ginger. By God, Ginger.

11. Articles of clothing that you can dress up: polo shirts, khaki shorts, blue jeans, white sneakers, and, for Texans, cowboy hats and boots.

12. Articles that you can never dress up: sports jerseys, track pants, wifebeaters, Birkenstocks, and flip-flops.

13. Cotton is the universal language of casual clothing. Wear it anywhere and you’ll fit right in.

14. Sweatpants are for sick days, couch surfing, and light exercise. For anything else, throw on a pair of jeans and get on with it.

15. Velour: no.

16. Never wear more than two denim items at a time. Scratch that: Never wear more than one denim item at a time, and make sure it’s not a vest.

17. To our knowledge, tank drivers never wore tank tops. If they did, we might like them better.

18. Khaki is a color. Chinos are a pair of pants. Know the difference but feel free to use the terms interchangeably.

19. The more expensive a restaurant’s entrées, the less comfortable you will feel in jeans. Unless, of course, you could buy the restaurant, in which case you can get away with anything you want.

20. No one you work with should ever see your toes or your nipples. Please dress accordingly.

21. Remove the brass buttons from your store-bought sport coat and replace them with buttons from a fancy golf club. It will annoy the hell out of the club’s (real) members.

22. The best jeans have five pockets. The best khakis have four. Anything more or less and you’re asking for trouble. Oh, and 1998 called: It wants its cargo pants back.

23. Unless he’s a chef, a gardener, or a jolly fat man from Holland, no one should ever wear clogs in his daily life. Same goes for Crocs.

24. Speaking of: We’re not sure what Americans did to deserve Crocs, but whatever it was, we’re sorry. We’re really, really sorry.

25. If you see the words “Barbecue,” “Come as you are,” “Bring the kids,”or “BYO” on an invitation, dress casually. When in doubt, bring a navy-blue blazer.

26. Berets: no. Not in Paris, France, and especially not in Paris, Texas.

27. The overlap between active sportswear and casual party attire should be kept to an absolute minimum. Leave the neon shirts and pants for the links, the white tennis shorts to the courts, and the swimsuit at the pool.

28. There’s no harm in letting yourself go, so long as you’re never more than an hour away from pulling yourself together.

29. A hood knocks ten years off your age and twenty points off your IQ.

30. Sunglasses don’t belong on top of your head, folded into the neck of your shirt, or hanging around your neck by some nylon cord. If you have to remove them, hold them or put them on a table. MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE ARTICLE FOR ANOTHER 30 or so laws.